The offseason has been busy in the National Hockey Leagues offices, so as part of my parole, I am required to stay away from dogs and educate people about free agency signings. Wait, I thought I was Michael Vick’s blogging brother, Jimmy Vick. I forgot, I’m the guy who’s still making Michael Vick jokes in 2012. I could write for CBS! Anyway, here’s a look at who just signed with a new club, with said new team in parenthesis, followed by why I more or less don’t like them. Let’s get this productive exercise underway, then!
Benn Ferriero (Pittsburgh) – Benn has donne a whole lot of nnothing in the NNHL (22 points inn 92 games), annd unnless you love getting nnada for your team, I would pass.
Nick Johnson (Phoenix) – After sputtering around with the Penguins for a few seasons, he finally had a full year with the Minnesota Wild and produced, if I can use such a lavish term, 26 points in 77 games. If you like pretending you have a baseball player on your hockey team, I could see drafting Johnson. Otherwise…well, let’s just say that even Benn Ferriero is unimpressed.
Jonathan Matsumoto (San Jose) – Keep an eye on this guy. He has 281 points in 392 AHL games and looks completely non-Japanese. That is the art of ninjitsu!
Peter Mueller (Florida) – With 133 points over 254 games, he’s not a dynamo. That said, last season he tallied 16 points in 32 games, and may be poised to break out in a big way. Or not. What am I, Peter Mueller’s gypsy tarot reader?
Garnet Exelby (Boston, not Pittsburgh) – A defenseman with a scattering of points over his career, his value is in 584 penalty minutes over 408 career games. He’s a one trick pony, and I prefer my equines to at least give me assists.
Joel Rechlicz (Phoenix) – To hell with ponies, this stallion sat for 105 penalty minutes in 26 games. Still, if this is all you get from your D, you’ve think you have a Shetland but all you have is a piece of shet.
Marc-Andre Gragnani (Carolina) – He was given a one year contract with no guarantee of NHL ice time. He has an intriguing AHL career but nothing to talk about on the big stage (18 points in 73 games).
Brandon Segal (New York) – In 2010, he had 10 points, 90 hits and 41 PIM in 46 games. Sounds good enough for a defenseman, but he’s actually a right winger. The Rangers really love defense, I guess. He won’t help you in fantasy, unless your league counts sliding in front of the goalie to block shots.
Aaron Johnson (Boston) – Last season, he earned career highs in assists (13) and points (16) over 56 games, with 16 PIM thrown in. I would yawn but that would require more energy than that season deserves.
Nathan Lawson (Ottawa) – He is 28 years old and has spent his career in the AHL putting up decent, but not great, numbers. His mom, Nigella, is a sexy tart. Or makes sexy tarts. Either way, I’ve got a hunger!